i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
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i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
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"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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