MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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