I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
