6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
