Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
