Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
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