he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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