I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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