and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
