ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
sarcasm needs its own font
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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