You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
