I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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