Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
