I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
