my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
