I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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