I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
