i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
