My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?