I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
