I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
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We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
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Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror