My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
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