Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
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He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage