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• (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.

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• (951): View more from California

  My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

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• (207): View more from Maine

  you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

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  27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

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• (713): View more from Texas

  Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

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• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...

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• (212): View more from New York

  I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?

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• (207): View more from Maine

  You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?

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  These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities

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• (954): View more from Florida

  He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.

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• (817): View more from Texas

  do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?

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• (571): View more from Virginia

  I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito

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• (253): View more from Washington

  i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit

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• (816): View more from Missouri

  The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage

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