Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
