Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Enjoy the penises
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