I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
