Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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