I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
