is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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