I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
