my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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