o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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