My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
