I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
