so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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