so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
