DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
