ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
