and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
