See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
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I won't apologize to a one balled man
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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