That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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