Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
