It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
