now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
