You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
