i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
