i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
