is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
