he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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