I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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