Where is the hickey?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
