How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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