Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
