I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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