I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
