Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
PANTIES FOUND
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
