i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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