I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
