where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am mentally ready for anal.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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